Hey everybody! We have had a crazy week! Yesterday, I had run out of cream cheese that Joey likes on his rice cakes, so I pulled out the peanut butter (he has had peanut butter before)and spread some on....15 minutes later Bill and I were freaking out when we saw Joey breaking out in little red spots and blisters and scratching his eyes hysterically-15 minutes later he was fine-no redness or blisters. See pictures below (click to enlarge, right click to save):
So today we headed to East Tn Childrens for a RAST allergy test. We are PRAYING that he is not allergic to nuts, even though the Dr said it was a very mild reaction in comparison to what it can be... but I am still walking around with an Epi-pen Jr in my purse just in case : (
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Lately we have been having trouble with Joey in his high chair....he wants to sit at the table like us. The faces he makes to show his protest are GREAT!!!!
Here is his tough guy look that he does when we say "tough guy"
Here is his tough guy look that he does when we say "tough guy"
Here are the puppy dog eyes (note the cream cheese on his nose : )
Here is the mad, get me down NOW face
Now the screamer shows up with cream cheese still on his nose
Finally a happy boy sitting at the big table!sp
This weekend we were setting up our big pool when Joey crawled in wanting to "help" Daddy and dragged the hose around squirting everything and loving it....himself, mommy and Daddy included.
Uh-oh, right in the faceOn a more solemn note, today is the two year anniversary of the loss of Joey's brother. Below is the last picture we have of him alive and well. I will post our story as a comment to this blog (since this is Joeys blog and I dont want to ramble unless its about him) and if you would like to read it feel free. I will also post with it some resources that helped us get through our grief...if you are suffering a loss, please visit some of these sites and know you are not alone.
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Christie’s Version of June 28, 2004 – a rough draft, forgive my crude writing
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with Bill. He had a Doctors appointment with a specialist who may or may not recommend surgery for a possible serious hernia. Bill was scared of the prospect, so was I. For two weeks before his appointment he was extremely stressed at the prospect of surgery and seemed terrified to go to his appointment. So on the day of his appointment I was on the phone with him while he drove there- mostly to lend support. But to be honest, I was only halfway listening; I was also trying to feed Joey and all the other million things a Mother tries to get done during the day. Then he stopped talking and I heard his voice crack as he said “Oh God the Dr. is in THAT building at Parkwest.” The minute he said it I knew we were both flooded with the most enormous sadness we had ever felt and after two years it was still as fresh as the day we felt it for the first time. I hung up and went about my day, but now it was on my mind. I looked at Joey and drank him in. My biggest fear is knowing like most people don’t how fragile life truly is and praying every night that Joey buries Bill and I many years from today. I hugged and kissed him so many times, how on earth can I express my love better? I just want him to know what he is to us, how miraculous his birth was, how he fulfilled all my dreams the very moment he cried out and I knew he was alive. Alive……the small fluttering of a heart so very alive.
Alive, that is what he was…at our eight week visit everyone in the room was so happy as we all just watched the little heartbeat of our son flutter like crazy. Our Dr, our nurses, everyone knew how hard we had worked, how much money we had spent, how many tears had been shed and all of our other ones who never made it to ultrasound. The relief that poured through my body was so cool and refreshing….people who had worked with us were coming and hugging us as the news spread through Dr Doody’s office like wildfire. We had a horrible year so far and we needed this. I had traumatic Gynecological surgery, my precious Nanny had died horribly after breaking her neck and Bill’s grandfather was very ill and needing open heart surgery at 90…we really needed this!!! We tried to keep it a secret but one look at us and you could see it. Bill’s Gaga went into surgery as Bill walked with him to the OR talking about our baby, the one growing inside of me and Bill and I boarded a plane to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. It seemed so perfect, so perfect in fact that for once in my life I was released from Dr. Doody’s care into that of a normal Obstetrician. A momentous occasion finally we were like everyone else, I called and they said keep doing what your doing, no need to see you until after the first trimester.
June 28, 2004 was setup to be a great day. Bill was to start his new job at Trinity Development where he could live his dream to develop and build shopping centers actually getting a piece of the action and we were going for our first visit to the normal obstetrician. For an hour we filled out paperwork, talked with nurses, discussed delivery options and got a goody bag. We were both in heaven…we even saw somebody we knew and spread the good news. Then we met with the Doctor and discussed my history, no problems he said, just smooth sailing from here on out. We had finally made it; the heartbreak we had suffered for the last six years was almost over-just 5 ½ months to go!!! We were directed to a room for a Pap smear, bloodwork and Doppler. We weren’t worried we had already seen and heard our babies heartbeat on ultrasound, this stuff was small potatoes to us. The Dr pulled out the Doppler, slimed me up and went to work searching for that precious clip-clop of a heartbeat. He smiled and explained how sometimes they are just hard to catch this early, we believed him, I think. After a few more minutes he sent us to ultrasound and assured us our little peanut was just stubborn. We waited for what seemed like forever and we didn’t talk much, I think we both knew the possibilities; we had definitely been there before. In my mind though I kept hearing Dr. Doody tell me how rare it was for a baby to die once the heartbeat was confirmed…one in several million he told me. No reason to worry. We went into the room and I got slimed again, she swept the probe over my belly and commented that our baby was on the small side. Frankly I wasn’t listening…for a moment I forgot about the heartbeat and look at the beautiful outline I was seeing, a face, legs and feet, a butt; those things will be with me forever; the last time I would see him and he was so whole, so beautiful. I looked at Bill, actually to point out at the little butt we could see and I saw terror on his face. We had been in enough ultrasound rooms, we probably don’t need the tech, just a machine and we would be good to go; we know enough to know too much. Then I looked at the tech, she was panicked! Obviously she had never seen this before, she switched to the internal probe but she looked like she was about to cry. I think it was then I started to cry. She left the room and mumbled she was getting the Doctor. The worst was she didn’t turn the machine when she left, so Bill and I sat there and stared at our beautiful dead son. I did not, could not hold back. I was frankly hysterical; just thinking about it today makes me short of breath. The Doctor came in and explained what we all knew, he was dead. The Doctor and the Tech left and Bill and I cried together for God knows how long. Then we snuck out the building so we didn’t have to explain to anybody on the way out.
The next day I went back to Dr. Doody's and I was so glad to see faces I knew. Dr. Doody did another ultrasound, more for him I think than us and he confirmed the death and told us we had another problem. My cervix was closed very tight due to progesterone supplements, ready for carrying this baby a long nine months. He couldn’t take me into surgery to remove him until my cervix loosened or he would risk tearing me to pieces inside. I felt like I had stepped into a horror movie, I would carry our dead son for another week. I went back to work, it was better than sitting at home and thinking. However, when I pulled into the parking lot I didn’t even make it into the door and I started balling, luckily a great friend was there too and she just hugged me and helped me inside. I walked around like normal that week, but I was a shell of a person. If someone complained to me I would get so angry and think- I am carrying my dead child and your problem is what!!!!!! After the surgery I woke up with Dr Doody and Bill standing at my bed. What a loving, dedicated special Physician, we all know he had other things to do but he waited for me to let me know all was okay and that our little one looked perfect – it may seem small but it was so important for Bill and I to know. (Later the autopsy and genetic testing would confirm a genetically perfect little boy and even later thanks again to Dr. Doody we would learn that a coagulate in my blood clotted the placenta and basically starved him of blood, oxygen and nutrients-very rare so nothing for any of you ladies to worry about) You see Bill had the “job” of telling everyone the sad news (sometimes I think it may have been worse for him) and there were so many people who would say things like, well you don’t want a sick/retarded baby anyway. Bill was so strong for me. I know his heart was broken, but he stayed so strong for me. A better husband and friend I could never have.
After the surgery, the physical part was almost over but we were both grieving. I didn’t think we would ever work through it. Also, many people treat you differently. My Manager at work had suffered an infant loss and she warned me, but I really didn’t believe her. It’s true. People run from you, people act like you have leprosy. I guess they don’t know what to say. I guess they don’t realize there is nothing they can say. I had one lady literally run into her house and close her garage door in my face when I dared to venture out my front door and greet her. And the awful comments people would make- “I’ll give you my kids”, “Does it hurt? Tell me the details.”, “Aren’t you over that yet? Just move on and forget it.”, “Well it’s not like anybody really died.”, “Was your baby retarded?” what are people thinking?! However, there is a flip side and although some close friends turned out not to be so, some people we never expected came to us privately and told us their stories and battles with death of children and grief we never even knew about. Even some people who we don’t always have constant contact with came and sent letters and cards telling us they were there for us. Those are people who could get anything I own for the asking, those people kept us going, kept us from feeling like the only grieving people in the whole world.
I tell this story that I don’t think we have ever told to anyone because there maybe be someone out there suffering right now, and you are not alone. The sadness and grief will never go away; but it will dull. Even though I know if this child were born I would not have my precious Joey….I still grieve his death. He and I were connected, we were one, he was my son and I will always carry his image and remember everything about his life and death- as a mother should. He will never be forgotten and I will see him again one day.
Resources and asst writings:
What God Meant
Couples experiencing infertility and miscarriage often receive well meaning but extremely insensitive "advise". We can all list the most popular ones: “You didn’t want a deformed baby anyway”, "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant" or the most painful from those who think they have the goods on Gods plan:" Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." It's hard to understand that people cannot see infertility and miscarriage for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims: "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if he never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility and miscarriage? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility and miscarriage knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility and miscarriage. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I am on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down. Frankly if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest coolest, most refreshing drink I have ever known. (Joey absolutely was!!!!)
While I would have never chosen infertility and miscarriage, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me.
Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. (I did!!!) And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advise, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility and miscarriage. I already know.
"THE TRUTH IS..."
The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.
The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.
The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.
The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.
The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.
The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.
The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.
The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.
The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.
The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.
The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.
The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.
The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.
The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.
The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.
The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.
The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.
The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.
The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.
The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.
The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.
The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.
The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.
The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.
A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attentio to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this oul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
Websites:
www.inciid.org
http://www.angelsinheaven.org/
http://www.infantloss.org/
http://www.silentgrief.com/
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